So there we are sitting across a relatively small table supposedly about to go through negotiations. Im sitting there about as antsy as a black man that accidentally wandered into a KKK rally. She is getting all kinds of paperwork and brochures and what not together and starts to make small talk... "So any questions about your car? She asks so self surredly. Im like (remember I say like alot) "No you showed me everything!! Quite pleased!!" She playfully says "Well I didnt show you everything" drawing out the word everything extra long, "But Im glad I showed you enough!!" All I can do is blush (Im somewhat light... I blush) and say "Heh heh... Yeah thanks." So she starts to go over some particulars. "Well as you know the car has very low miles and is exactly 6 months old. Our service dept is rated #1 in customer service and all your car's service work has been done by us. How does a 12 month 12,000 mile warranty at no cost sound?" Thinking a little more clearly now I answer "Well throw in free scheduled maintanence for 100,000 miles and..." Before I could finish my phone rings and I naswer it without even looking at who's calling. I never do that. "Hello?" I say sounding as jovial as Capt Kirk the sales manager. "Im met with a very loud "Where the hell are you!!??!?" Now I get defensive cuz thats what I do in possible confrontations "What do you mean where am I? Who is this??" "Who the f*ck do you think this is??!?!? Who else would be callin you on a Sunday morning? This is your soon to be ex wife!!!" As Im damn near falling out the chair I hear 5 kids in stereo say "Oooooohhhh!!! Daddies in trouble!!" Almost 1 and just turned 3 are cracking up. "Ohhh hey honey.... Didnt recognize you. Sorry. Im at the dealership getting our car." Sounding extremely apologetic. "Ohh I guess thats more important then your kids performance in the choir today? And you promised them you'd be there? What kind of father are you??" I hear 3 year old and 6 year old in the background sidebustin as if they were from Lakeview (sorry couldnt resist) "Yeah dad you pormised!! Where are you!!??" Soon to be ex Mrs Regan interjects "So this Navigator has everything huh? It better be worth missing their performance." I answer so damn sheepishly as if Im not only from Lakeview but my parents parents parents are from Lakeview (still cant resist) "Ummm not quite. its a Lincoln LS." She blows up like I never heard before "Hold the f*ck up!!!" A 4 door? You have a wife and 5 kids and you want a passenger car?" Kids are giggling and say "Ooooh mommy you sound like daddy with the bad words." You have to understand my wife never cusses and especially on a Sunday. I sink a little lower. She tells them "Dont worry. All the daddy madness will be over in 6 months and 1 day." Those in the know understand what those numbers mean. "What dealership??" She asks as I hear her minivan sounding like one of my old mustangs." All the while Lisa is sitting across from me acting like she is getting paperwork together but has a look on her face like Im the big catch that suddenly got away before getting it into the boat. Im so nervous I cant remember the name of the place. "Ummm Menlo or Palo Alto.. No I think Stanford Lincoln." "Meet me in the parking lot with the salesman and have a large black coffee for me." All I could say is "Yes dear... See you in..." Before I could finish "click." Do cell phones really click? Anyway I tell Lisa "My wife is sooo excited and wants to see the car before we finalize." She can see through the lie. I went from mr Lion King to the hyeana right before her eyes. "I understand. Want some coffee while we wait?" She asks. "Umm better make that two. Large." She laughs a little and says "Ok." Now I swear as we are walking out to the lot my wife comes flying in and hits the brakes so hard I thought the wheels would fall off. Kids are in the car cracking up like they just got off their favorite roller coaster. "Hi honey I say with a somewhat broken voice. How'd you get here so fast from St Johns?" "Dont worry about it she says" oh so sternly. "Is this the car and where's the salesman?" I answer even more nervous now "Yes this is the LS and this is Lisa. The salesperson." Switching gears the way you women do so well when meeting another woman she extends her hand and says "Hi. Im Yadda R, his better half" showing all of her delta dental paid for smile. yeah Im good for something. "Pleased to meet you Yadda R" Lisa responds so professionally as they both size eachother up. Now I told you Lisa is bad and not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good. Soon to be Ex Mrs Regan as she calls herself is definitely no slouch in the looks department. Ex multi pageant winner, model (though I think she modeled hand lotion) and so on. I can see them giving eachother the once over so subtely. Attention is turned back toward me. "Yeah the car is cute but I thought we were getting another family car?" She asks inquisitively. I respond "Well we have the minivan so I figured this seats 6 so I can use it to commute in and still have enough room to pick up the kids. Other times we can use the minivan." "And whats wrong with your bronco?" she asks as if to say without saying "Betta get this answer right!!" I respond with "Well its 31 years old, has no AC and if I had fillings they woulda been rattled lose." She shouts "Man Up!!" Lisa lets out a giggle while covering her mouth and looking down at her shoes. Right then Im thinking a bad word.... twice. I say nothing. Soon to be Ex Mrs Regan asks "how Much?" I say "We havent gotten that far." She says "Go wait in the van." I start to say something and she stops me "You havent seen your kids all day. Go spend some time and Lisa and I will talk" which really means STFU and get in the van. I say "You're right." I get in the passenger seat because as responsible parents we never let our kids ride in a seat with an active airbag facing them. Angels we are!! So anyway ages 6 and 7 start asking "Daddy Daddy why are you in trouble??" I say "Im not in trouble. Mommy just wanted to see our new car before I brought it home." 6, my only daughter says 'No daddy you are inside of trouble because mommy called Auntie Yadda L and said your jack was grass and she's the lawnmower!! Jack meaning ass. My kids dont cuss. I was like "She's only kidding." She said "I hope so daddy cuz I dont want you to get on timeout." Im thinking there is worse. So anyway about 10 minutes later I see the soon to be Ex and Lisa shake hands in the showroom. Lisa turns toward the minivan with a thumbs up and waves I guess good bye. Ex Mrs comes walking out in her Sunday best (yeah Im kissing ass in my mind) and gets in the car. "yadda yadda out the door..(price is irrelevant) 5 year 100k warranty and free maintanence for the life of the car. You pick it up tomorrow and it will have a full tank. By the time your a..." She catches herself and says"Jack gets home it better be on 7/8 full. Here. She through in a Ford nascar hat. Wear it." "But dear it doesnt match my..." Before I could finish she says Put on the f***..." She caught herself again. "Put on the hat." I start to throw my polo cap to the ground but wisely catch myself also. "Thanks" is all I can muster. We pull off and Im sitting there felling about as emasculated as you can get. Big word alert. Google. Before I realize it we are getting off the Dumbarton Bridge. i ask "Are we meeting the family (Normally I say "your family" but know better right now) at Hometown Buffet? She says "no." I ask "Then where are we going?" "To get my Passenger van. Where do you think? She says authoritatively. All I could say is "Yes dear."
True story....
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